Grand River New Horizons Music
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Feel free to contribute your own clean musical jokes! Send your jokes to Roseanna

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Musical Jokes:
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One concert, the band director was sick, so he asked the first trombone player to conduct for him. When the first trombonist showed up to rehearsal the next day, the second trombone player gave him a dirty look and said "And just where were you last night?"

From Mary Berry Bonita Springs New Horizons Band

When breaking in a new band director, please remember all the things taught you:
1. Everyone should try to play the same piece.
2. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just played was interesting.
3. If you play a wrong note, glare at one of the other players.
4. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (and vice-versa)
5. A wrong note, played timidly, is a wrong note. BUT a wrong note, played with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase.
6. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost.
7. Strive always to play the maximum notes per second. This will intimidate the weaker players and gain you the admiration of the ignorant.
8. Markings for slurs, dynamics, phrasing, and accidentals should be completely disregarded. They are only there to make the music look more complicated.
9. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will even itself out in the end.
10. You have achieved a true interpretation when, in the end, you have not played one note of the original piece.
11. When everyone else stops playing, you should stop also. Do not play any notes you may have left over.
12. Look at the conductor once in a while. It makes him/her feel useful.

How can you tell that a kid at a playground is the son of a trombonist?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."


Definition of a Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Q: Did you hear about the band director that got zapped by electricity?
A: Yeah! He must have been a good conductor!

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Poking Fun:
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BREAKING NEWS...could have serious rePERCUSSIONS for bone players gigging south of the border. Click here to read the full article.

"Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them!" -- A quote from Richard Strauss during a discussion on the art of conducting.

Definition of a piccolo: A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred yards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be quickly dismantled into two small pieces, for easy concealment.